


Cruel World

by roomeight



Category: Blur
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 08:12:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8883475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roomeight/pseuds/roomeight
Summary: One-shot prompt based on the lyrics from 1992: "You'd love my bed, you took the other instead." Set during the Parklife era at the height of Blur's fame. Also inspired by Cruel World by Lana Del Rey, which I listened to on repeat for three days like a crazy person, and this is what became of it.





	

Have you ever confused a feeling with love? You know the one; that biological-animal-impulse ignited like some ancient fire in that black black void of yourself that you thought couldn’t feel anything anymore...that feeling that rises up with violent hooks, tells you this is something special, this is something new. Hold onto it with your aching hands, dig your claws in. Don’t let this go.

We were in a band, and a fucking good one at that. We were on Top of The Pops. I was finally happy after all this time. I was finally happy and now my world had been turned upside-down.

It was a shock to see him, shuffling into the room like a modern Oscar Wilde, fag and bottle of champagne in either hand. His eyes met with mine with immediately.

“Gra,” He said, giving me a wink. He poured more champagne into my glass, and raised his glass to toast the room full of party people. “To Graham! What a fucking bloke. My favorite person. Of the year. Of perhaps ever.”

“Alex, come on.” Damon grinned, slapping him on the shoulder. Two young women I didn’t recognize followed him in tow. He motioned toward the champagne bottle Alex was holding. “Share the wealth.”

Alex obliged, pouring Damon and the two girls a glass. Damon leaned into Alex’s ear and whispered something I couldn’t hear. Alex nodded and smiled slyly. He touched his nose. “I think I’ve got some upstairs with your name on it.”

Damon patted Alex heartily on the back, and shot him his usual toothy grin. “You’re the best, Alex, as always.” Damon turned to the two beautiful women standing behind him and grabbed both of their hands. “Let’s go upstairs, shall we?”

Christ, I thought. Damon wasn’t even subtle about it anymore these days. I honestly couldn’t tell anymore which excess was more concerning: the cheating, or the ambivalence of his drug use as he did so.

Alex looked at me. “Come with us, Gra.”

“I want to sit here and finish my drink.”

Alex bent toward me with a tight smile, and in one swoop my drink took wing and landed in a potted palm. Then he gripped my hand in such a way that I had to choose between following him or having my arm torn off.

When we got to the end of the upstairs hallway, Damon opened the door to the upstairs bedroom. He stood in front of the entrance with his arms hanging off the top of the doorframe like some sort of gatekeeper. He stuck his tongue out, peering out over the sea of heads they’d managed to gather. Five or six people, mostly women, had followed them up, willing and ready, to the upstairs bedroom. Picking out the two girls he’d had in hand earlier, he kissed them both on the lips and allowed them entrance.

“Now, who are all the rest of you? I don’t remember inviting any of you to this private affair.” He paused, scanning the faces of the unlucky few.

“Oh no. No, no, no. Absolutely not.” Damon looked toward Alex and pointed at a handsome young blonde boy standing by the door. Damon give him a half-interested once-over. “Who is he? Is he yours, Alex?” Damon leaned in closely, studying the young boy’s face.

“I—I’m sorry, I just...” The boy stammered, blushing.

“Oh honey, I think he came up here for you.” Alex grinned, throwing his arm over Damon’s shoulder. He placed a hand underneath the boy’s chin. “Just look at him and his sweet little face, like it’s carved out of marble. Ohh, he’s fancied you for a while Day, I can tell.” Alex lowered his chin, sizing up the boy’s face and body with his eyes.

“I hate to disappoint you love,” Alex sighed. “But I’m afraid Damon Albarn is only gay for one man, and one man alone. Trust me, he wouldn’t appreciate it if Adonis himself got down on his knees for him.” Lifting his eyebrows, Alex smiled and raised his glass. “Believe me, I’ve tried.”

Alex wrapped one of his arms around me, and the other around Pretty Boy, which is what I had decided to call him then, and pulled both of us underneath his shoulders.

“I on the other hand," Alex announced. “I am a man who can appreciate fine art when I see it.”

Alex sauntered into the bedroom with both of us, smoking fag in hand, and deftly peeled open his bedside table. After messing about for a second or so, he pulled out a very large plastic bag of white and multi-colored things.

“What have you got?” One of the girls asked.

“Oh, lots of goodies. Any candy your heart desires, my dear.” Alex pulled open the bag, reaching in and pulling out some small multi-colored pills. Alex motioned toward me first, curling his index finger toward me in a come-hither motion.

“Open your mouth, love.” I licked my lips, and opened my mouth obediently. Alex placed two large oval pink pills onto my tongue.

“Which kind is it?” I mumbled with my mouth still open.

Alex tapped me on the nose, winking. “I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?”

I closed my mouth, letting the pills slide dryly down my throat. I watched as Alex repeated the same thing with Pretty Boy, but then kissed him after, his fingertips briefly brushing the front of the boy’s trousers. I looked away, my eyes wandering, looking for Damon. Oh Damon. Yes, there he was, blissfully cutting several hundred pounds’ worth of coke into fun little shapes while two women worked out how to shove their hands down his pants as quickly as possible.

Strange, isn’t it? I thought. How fast someone’s feelings can change and then there’s nothing you can do but accept it. You have to sit and accept the fact that you’re completely in love with someone who doesn’t even give a shit whether you come or go and frankly they would rather it if you didn’t come at all.

I didn’t used to be this pessimistic.

I sank backwards onto the couch, watching everything and everyone collide from far away. I sipped at my glass, and it wasn’t long before one of the groupies Damon had willed into his drug and sex harem wandered over to me.

“You’re Graham, right?” She smiled, bending down to look at me from atop obnoxiously large stilettos. She had to be, at the very least, barely 18.

I nodded slowly. “I suppose so.”

“You play bass, right?”

“No...that would be Alex.” I replied sharply, shooting her a tight-lipped smile. I pointed at Alex, who at this point had become completely preoccupied with Pretty Boy. “I’m the guitarist.”

The girl’s eyes lit up. “Ohhh. I love guitarists.”

“Yeah?” I raised my eyebrows. “Who’s your favorite guitar player?” This was how it was nowadays, with all these girls. They didn’t want to know you, they just knew that they wanted to fuck you. 

“Ohh Paul McCartney. Duh, of course.”

I rubbed at my eyes. I’d take that. I was done with the small talk.

“You seem really shy. Are you shy?”

“Only when I’m awake.”

“You should come join us. Have some fun.” She motioned toward Damon and the other girl.

I eyeballed Damon out of the corner of my eye. I half-smiled. “I’d rather not, thanks.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t be lame. Come have fun with us.” She tugged at my arm, and begrudgingly, I followed.

Snorting a long line of coke, Damon threw his head back and sniffed loudly. I saw his eyes light up as I approached him, a giant ridiculous grin on his face. “Graham!” He threw his arms over my neck, pulling me down into a kiss. I kept my lips closed.

Suddenly Alex’s hands were on my shoulders, massaging them.

“How is it? Are you feeling it yet?” He asked. I noticed that in-between me moving between the couch and the bed Alex had dimmed the lights and managed to put on some sort of awful house record.

“A little.” Goosebumps rose up on my skin, and Alex ran his warm hands up and down the length of my arms, massaging them with his thumbs.

“Good.” Alex quickly kissed my forehead and then spun around to flit off to the other side of the room. I looked behind me to see Damon, now fully splayed out on his back on the bed, laying down next the two girls. I was impressed that they’d already managed to pull his pants down halfway.

Damon met my gaze and motioned for me to lay on the bed. “Gra, come here.”

I shook my head, and Damon scrunched up his face. He jumped up off the bed and grabbed me by the hand. He pulled both of us down onto the bed and immediately shoved his tongue down my throat.

Honestly I couldn’t tell anymore if Damon kissed me like this because he wanted to, or because he knew it would make the girls want to fuck him even more.

I shut my eyes, and the music washed over me in waves.

I don’t want to get over you.

Damon pulled back for air, and both of the girls looked back at us with glassy eyes.

“Oh my god, are you two both…?”

Here we go again.

“You look so beautiful together.”

Damon pulled my hand toward his chest. I didn’t fight him this time, just let him lay me down beside him and kiss me. I tried to think of our first time again, tried to remember it. I couldn't.

After a beat or so, Damon pulled one of the girls down to join us, and I counted the minutes and seconds before I could try and sneak away.

I felt one of the girls’ hands on my zipper. Within seconds she had pulled my cock out and started going down on me. I tried to picture Damon again. I tried to think of him waking me up on the tour bus, his warm, swirling mouth on my cock as Alex and Dave slept just a few feet away. I couldn't.

I tried to remember if this was the same girl who said she liked Paul McCartney. I couldn't. Both of their faces looked the same to me.

Damon stopped kissing me, and when I looked up again he was busy slipping two fingers underneath the other girl’s underwear.

The girl-who-liked-Paul pulled up, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Do you feel it yet?”

“Feel what?”

“The ecstasy, dummy.”

“Oh.” I muttered simply. “Yeah.”

She ran her hands up and down the length of my thighs. “I can feel it. I’m so horny right now.”

I looked over her shoulder to see Alex pressed up against the wall with Pretty Boy. If they weren’t already at third base yet, then they would be soon.

I turned back to her.

“What’s wrong?” The girl furrowed her eyebrows. She looked down at my half-erect dick. “You don’t seem to be enjoying this. Am I...did I do something wrong?”

I shook my head. “No,” I said, pushing her onto her back. “You’re great. I’m sorry. I think it must be the drugs.”

Parting her legs, I stuck my head down and began pulling down her underwear. She was lovely, really. I felt bad that I wasn’t all that interested. Licking my lips I went down on her, my tongue making little upward flicking movements. I slid one of the fingers of my right hand inside her and she moaned softly. I looked over at Damon out of the corner of my eye. His head was tossed back in a ecstatic state against the pillow, eyes closed, his cock in the other girl’s mouth. I hated her, really. Everything about her. I wanted to push her off him then—show her how it’s really done. I was certain that I had the world record of getting Damon Albarn off. One minute. That’s all I needed, and he would be putty underneath my hands. How many people could say that?

I pulled back, wiping my face with the back of my hand. I looked over at Damon, then back at the girl. I moved to kiss Damon, but he stopped me by putting his hands on my shoulders.

“Not right now, Gra.” He whispered, his eyes half-lidded.

I swallowed slowly, my heart sinking to the pit of my stomach. My cock was hard now, finally, but I didn’t know what to do with it. The girl-who-liked-Paul climbed on top of me.

“What’s your name?” I asked, half-regretting it.

“Tracy. Just like your song.”

“My song? ...oh.” I realized what she was referencing now. I forced a smile.

“I haven’t heard many of your other songs yet, but I LOVE that one.”

I rubbed at my eyes again. I was starting to feel the drugs take effect. I felt her slowly lower down on me. I grabbed her hips and thrust upward, out of habit. I wish I could say this did something for me, like how it used to. A year ago I would have let a beautiful girl like this tie me up and fuck my brains out, happily. But now, now it doesn’t feel the same anymore. I look again at Alex out of the corner of my eye, his hands threaded into Pretty Boy’s hair. I part my mouth, wondering for a moment what it would be like to be him there, on my knees. I wonder how fast I could get Alex James off. My guess is he wouldn’t be easy—he had more experience than Damon, but then again maybe that didn’t matter. Maybe he would get off just on the idea of it.

When I finally come, stilted, I remember I forgot to wear a condom. I feel her slide off me, wet and hot, and now she wants to hold me, now she wants to lay her head on my chest.

I looked over at Damon. He was fucking her like how he fucked me—skin-to-skin, intimate, his face full of the same manufactured passion that he pulled out on stage every night just to get the crowd, to compete, to get his hooks into them. Such an artist. Such an actor.

I know, I fell for it too.

“Sorry, I need to use the loo.” I mutter quietly, pushing Tracy off me. She looked at me with pain in her eyes, and for a moment I felt bad, then nothing.

I pulled my pants up around my waist and looked toward Alex. He was done already, fag in hand, black fringe splayed out onto the bedsheets. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I guess I was.

Catching my eye, Alex motioned for me to come over to them.

He waved his arms at me. “Give us a kiss.”

I bent down and kissed him. He threaded his fingers into my hair. When I pulled back, Pretty Boy looked at me like I was some sort of endangered species.

Not wasting an opportunity, Pretty Boy leaned in to kiss me and Alex placed a hand on his chest, stopping him. “Don’t bother. Graham’s straight, he just loves to play that he isn’t. He only lets you kiss him when he’s drunk.” Alex sighed, placing his fag between his lips. He ran his fingers down my bare chest, and I felt my cock twitch underneath my pants.

“Such a waste.” Alex said quietly with a lopsided smile.

I smiled, looking away and chewing on my thumb. Saying nothing else, I turned and headed toward the bathroom. I quietly shut the door behind me and immediately unbuttoned my pants. My hand briefly brushed the tip of my cock and I felt my face immediately flush red. I looked at myself in the mirror, naked, cock in hand, and began to stroke myself. The ecstasy was definitely working now, I could feel it. My hands, wet with sweat from the drug, slid across my cock with ease. I closed my eyes, picturing Alex on his knees, me running my fingers through his long black hair. I threw my head back, biting at my upper lip.

One hand holding onto the sink, I imagined Alex behind me. He was fast and hard and rough— he didn’t take his time. He had wanted me for a long time now, and I could see the desperation in his eyes. He was finally getting what he wanted for so many years. What I’d teased him with for so long. All of it. All of me.

I didn’t hear the door open behind me, not initially. I must have been too into my head, too far gone. And when I looked up I would have shouted had it not been for Alex covering my mouth with his hand. Eyes wide, I looked back at him in the reflection of the mirror, my face and cock both red. I was rock hard.

Alex looked back at me with his eyes glossed over. He was rolling hard too at this point, I could tell. His crotch brushed up against my leg and I felt a long, hard thickness that caused my breath to catch in my throat.

Slowly he lowered his hand from my face. He breathed heavily into my ear, hot breath on my neck. “Do you want this as much as I want this?” He said, so quietly I barely heard him.

I closed my eyes. I could feel the bass in the other room vibrate against my skin and another wave of pleasure washed over me. Fuck, this was really good ecstasy.

I turned toward him, pressing his head backward into the wall and shoving my tongue down his throat. God yes, I wanted this. More than anything.

Alex began to unzip his jeans, and in one fluid movement he spun me around so that my back faced the wall. He lifted both my legs up so that I was held up off the ground, my thighs straddling him.

“You’re secretly fucking Damon, aren’t you?” He said quietly.

I looked away, my face turning red.

“Good. That means I won’t have to go easy on you then.”

“Oh fuck,” I shouted out as Alex drove into me in one quick go. My mouth fell open. I dug my fingernails into his backside. He was bigger than Damon. I hadn’t been expecting that.

I tilted my hips forward, and Alex returned the movement. He began to move in time with the music, and I bit down into his neck. After a pause, he picked me up and moved me to lay on my stomach on the floor. I stuck my arse up in anticipation and shivered as Alex ran one of his fingers between my legs, prodding at my pink exterior. Seconds later I felt a warmness between my legs, and Alex’s tongue slipping inside me. I moaned softly, biting down on my lower lip. His grip on my arse tightened, and after a minute or so he pulled back. Saying nothing, he pushed my chest down and coaxed my arse up. He placed a finger between my lips, slipping another pill onto my tongue.

I turned over onto my back, wanting to face him. He lifted my legs above my head, and with expert precision slid back inside me, warm and wet. He was deeper this time, very deep, and I felt my muscles tighten around his cock. Pressing my back into the floor, I could feel the vibration of the bass. It didn’t even matter how loud we were, no one would hear us anyway.

Alex leaned down to my ear. “You are perfect.” He said, slowly pushing into me. “You are perfect and you don’t even know it. And it fucking drives me crazy.”

Alex pulled back, looking me in the eyes. His right hand softly brushed the curve of my jaw.

“He doesn’t know it either. And I can’t—I couldn’t just sit there tonight and watch him leave you there like that, just sitting there alone, untouched.”

I inhaled and exhaled slowly.

Alex’s eyes scanned my face, as though he were searching for some kind of reaction. “I don’t even know if you want me and here I am fucking you…” Alex ran a hand through his hair. “I mean, do you even want this? Because you're with him, and...?” Alex drifted off.

“Alex.” I pulled his chin toward mine. “Stop. I wasn’t looking at Damon tonight. I was looking at you.” I said quietly.

“I love you.” Alex said underneath his breath, kissing my neck. He paused. “I have loved you for a very, very long time.”

I pulled Alex’s head down with my hands, and he began to fuck me slowly. Pulling out, then in, then out again. I felt the tip of his cock hit that little magic space deep inside me and I moaned his name loudly. And there he was, so long and deep, hitting it again and again until my head felt like it was going to explode. God, everything felt ten times more amazing on this drug. The more we direct contact we had, the more our skin touched, the harder we rolled. We were sharing bodies and sharing drugs simultaneously and it felt amazing. It felt more than amazing.

I watched as warm streams of white jetted out over my hands and onto my belly. And I watched as Alex bent down in turn, lapping it up with tongue. He came inside me soon after, his whole body shuddering, skin wet with sweat from the drugs. Alex gripped my hand tightly, and I felt the throbbing bass of the music wash over me. My body felt like it was on fire.

When I finally sat up, Alex touched me on the shoulder.

“Gra. Where are you going?”

“I’ll be back.”

“Okay.”

When I walked back into the bedroom, all the lights had been turned off. I could see Damon’s head hanging off the foot of the bed, a loose cigarette dangling between his lips.

“Where is everyone?”

“I told him them all to leave.” Damon said through a half-closed mouth. He didn’t make eye contact.

I looked down at my feet.

“I fucked Alex tonight.” I said bluntly.

“I know.”

I felt the bpm of the music sync up in time with my heartbeat.

“Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Damon took his cigarette out of his mouth, and finally looked up at me. He turned over onto his stomach. He wagged his finger. “Come ‘ere.”

I knelt down on my knees to get on his level. Damon leaned forward, kissing me on the lips. He tasted like cocaine and cigarettes, and I felt that familiar feeling rise up from the pit of my stomach again—that raw, animal feeling.

Damon brushed a tuft of hair behind my ear and I felt my face flush and my heartbeat quicken.

He pulled back, studying me with his eyes. “There’s the look.” He smiled slyly.

“What look?” I said quietly.

“The look that says you’re never going to leave me.” Damon smiled, placing his cigarette once again between his lips and rolling back onto his back.

I blinked once. Then twice. I looked down at the floor.

I’d spent my whole life waiting to awake on an ordinary morning in your bed. I’m a man who falls in love so easily, recklessly. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Standing up I moved to lay down beside Damon and held him in my arms. I hated you, I thought. I hated you for everything.

But I hated you the most for being right.

  
  
**

 


End file.
